I wakened up this morning at 4 a.m. and didn't get back to sleep before I had to get up and go to the jobbie. During some of this time I prayed to God to let me die before I had to get up at seven. I've had a wonderful life and I'm already five years overdue. I've had my share and I don't really want to live till I'm old. Also, I got drunk yesterday and was slightly hungover. Bad boy!
Oh, to be in the formless zone, I thought. Where thoughts do not form and there are no manuals to read and no microwave ovens.
I thought of what a wonderful life I've had. Paramahansa Yogananda died at about my age. So did the 16th Karmapa. I'm already five years older than my old man ever was. Now that I am back at my jobbie dying seems fine. I don't want to be here. Please let me die now, God. A heart attack or a stoke would do.
8:45 p.m.
After just the one lapse over the five week period of sobriety, I caved in when visitors from the west arrived to stay overnight on Saturday. Then I got pissed yesterday. So I should think that's not too bad, considering. But going to work with a hangover was horrible and I hope it's another five weeks before I have another drink. Dearie me!
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I'm trying to raise tummo, inner heat, the foundation for practising the Six Dharmas of Naropa. In this blog I'll be trying to log stuff about the bliss, rapture and ecstasy of engaging with vajrayana buddhism.
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14 comments:
You don't want to die Hotboy!
It is hard to get back to work once you have been away.
You will get back in the routine very soon.
Until then....LIVE!!!!
Because you are a very fortunate creature.
;)
Have a wonderful week Hotboy!
~xo
Lee Ann
Lee Ann: Thank you for these words of encouragement! Hotboy
Ra morbid humor! I love it!
And ya never know, Hotboy... You might die and wake up in a hell realm full of flatheids bitching at each other! No formless realm for you!
Might as well enjoy this'un... ;)
Somebody: I think you must be right there! It might be a case of, Oh no! Here come the red hot pokers! Hotboy
Those pesky visitors that ome out of the west, it was the Beans again, wasn't it?
If you've got this far in life and this is only your first experience of post-alcohol insomnia, that's an achievement.
Normally I recommend bliss pills to treat insomnia but you may already be close to the maximum recommended levels.
A bliss pill side-effect is the desire to throw oneself off high places. When I walk near any sheer drop, it takes a real mental effort not to throw myself over the balustrade just for the hell of it. Would that help you avoid getting old?
Albert? Is that you? Send me a package of these bliss pills tout suite! I also avoid heights partly because I want to throw myself off. Why is that? Is it a lemming gene? Do they have lemmings in Bavaria? Have you ever bred with a lemming yourself? Quite a thought! Hotboy
The fear of and attraction to heights is a side-effect of being alive, dear ones, and nothing more.
Hotboy, you seem to have this fascination or fear at the prospect of being a "bad boy"... is that your Catholic upbringing coming out?
Seems on the whole that the Tibetans are more comfortable with the idea of saints with naughty hobbies or histories.
Ion: But it's still weird! Hotboy
Somebody: It's a lack of discipline. I'd be flying faster than Concorde by this time if I could have stayed straight and sober. I don't like having bad habits, but I've cultivated them. Asceticism doesn't come easy to me. You might have noticed. Hotboy
But that's the thing, isn't it? The perceived difference between 'where I could be if...' and 'where I actually am...' I'm not denying the validity of the logic of constructions of particular cause/effect relationships, but it seems in my own life that there's a certain point where it turns from a basic observation of A and B to a carrot and stick sort of thing, a way of making an eternal distance between oneself and the object of desire (better meditations or whatever). Karma / conditioning is so complex; how does one know if it is even ever possible to 'overcome' some aspect of the jumble of conditioned elements that make up one's perceived existence? More simply--perhaps you will always be a "bad boy" in some way or another, so what then? Of course, then there's the danger of going in the opposite direction of apathy and inertia, of ignoring virtue altogether. No easy answer here, but it does seem to me that often (at least in my own experience) the thought, 'Well, when I can do x, y, and z...' becomes this endless self-defeating loop. And as for you, I find you to be a rather impressive yogi, a real natural; I don't perceive the same lack in your experience that you seem to, but isn't that how it goes with just about anyone?
Somebody! It's a nervous system problem, I think. If you frazzle your brains with drink and drugs, you get unpleasant thoughts, or you can. Come downs, hangovers. You can't do bugger all as far as higher states of meditative concentrations are concerned if you haven't got a calm mind. When you're life could be filled with bliss and you find yourself strung out in some way ... well, it makes me feel like a idiot. None of my friends meditate. When I see folk from the West of Scotland, it can take me till Thursday to recover. They're fine by Monday because they're flatheids anyway and wouldn't recognise a higher meditative state if it fell on them. C'est la vie! Hotboy
Oh, definitely. Too much alcohol makes the mind sluggish and less responsive, as well as negative, as you mention. That's the cause/effect part. And the link between the shila and samadhi parts of practice. Your mind's going to reflect what you've been doing with it off the cushion, if you've been indulging in good or bad habits or if you've been kind or been an asshole, etc.
But in the meantime, everything is workable, right? Whether you're a teetotal bodhisattva or a hungover bodhisattva or whatever else. That's where I've struggled at times--the line between recognizing positive changes that could happen and rejecting the immediate situation. There's a sort of war with oneself that can go on, and in my experience, that's a bigger hindrance than being tired, hungover, in pain, or whatever else. The mind can settle down somewhat if it's tired or hungover; it might be sleepy or out of focus, etc., but some measure of calm and bliss can occur just letting go within those feelings. But if it's at war with itself, the whole thing will just be a stupid struggle.
Doesn't seem to me you struggle as much with this sort of thing, or you wouldn't get much bliss at all, much less the degree of internal combustion that you do! Of course, you're a much more advanced yogi than me. That's one reason your blog is such an inspiration--the way that for you, it's all about the joy of what you're doing, not making a point or getting bogged down by the judgmental mind so much. You're just 100% who you are, meditating for the sheer bliss of it. That's always a good reminder for me, as I can often get stuck in thoughts of where I'm "failing" or whatever else. The Nova Scotia trip helped clarify that a lot, so the self-war has been mostly dropped for now, if only for a while.
Ion: I'm just at war with stuff that obstructs the juju. Purification and accumulation, as the man said. I've always liked myself. Thanks for the kind words. Hotboy
I'm just at war with stuff that obstructs the juju.
Yeah, I'm starting to learn that difference myself as well.
I've always liked myself.
And I think that's a big part of why your blog is so enjoyable to read.
I like myself more and more as time goes by and I realize that imperfection is not equal to failure or worthlessness. It's almost worth all the time I spent not liking myself, to experience the release and the bliss of letting go of all of that.
Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled program of ra bliss... ;)
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